Saying Goodbye to Toxic People
Image Source: Vintagefantasy
Been a bit since I wrote, but have had A LOT going on… a trip to Paris after 2 freaking year, moving apartments, covid outbreaks all around me, my first cold in almost two years and the usual work and life stuff. I’m finally feeling settled—I mean, I’m still waiting for furniture, but feeling back to more of myself and where I was pre-toxicity.
I know that we all encounter toxic people in our lives, but I was actually living with one. And boy, did it take a toll mentally and physically. I honestly think my cold lasted longer than it did because my body was releasing 18 months of bad juju. So as 2021 is coming to an end, felt it was appropriate to release all this negative shit out of my life. Here are some things I learned about being in a toxic relationship. Hopefully it helps anyone going through the same or helps you stay out of them.
Everything is about them
This is more than about that friend who every time you see them, the conversation is about themselves. I mean, it’s a good indication, but there is more to that. This is the person who turns ANYTHING that is going on in your own life about them. Case in point, this person actually turned my father’s death into something about her. It was about a month after my father died and was in the initial stages of grief and this b*tch (i hate using profanities but believe me, it is well deserved) had the audacity to say, “I’m upset that you didn’t call me the day that he died (i told her a day or two later). I thought we were supposed to be friends and I’m really hurt that you didn’t tell me first.” This went on for at least a good half hour of how hurt she felt and that I didn’t value her as a friend. What did I do at that moment? I apologized and reassured her that we were friends and I was going through a lot. Which leads me to…..
You Don’t Even Know You are in a Toxic Relationship
When we are in friendships, we choose to see the good in people, at least most of us do. I think the thing that made me face what a selfish person she was, was the fact that we were living together. All those behaviors I had been ignoring became apparent to me every single day. I noticed this not only with the way she handled our friendship, but with the way she acted in her other friendships too. And the example above, didn’t happen just that one time. Anytime she was upset, she would bring it up. Months later after the illusion of what our friendship really was wore off, I was able to stand up to her and shut it down.
You’RE sacrificing your own well being
So to backtrack a little, we moved in together during the height of covid because we thought it would be safer that way since we were both two single women living in NY and if something happened we had each other. Great in concept, right?
A few months in, I realized it wasn’t going to work because she was codependent, self destructive and an alcoholic. I’m not saying that you should abandon your friends, but it’s probably not the best living situation for your own mental well being or safety. There was an opportunity for us to live apart, but I stayed the course because I didn’t want to be a bad friend. I thought I was being the selfish one abandoning her through what was a rough time. The truth of the matter, which I came to realize the hard way, was that this was not a rough time, but this person I was living with was the actual her. Not only did I sacrifice my mental well being, but I was also putting myself in danger because she was engaging in dangerous activities during a pandemic. My home was no longer a home, but ground zero—I was wearing my mask around common areas of the apartment, cloroxing anything she may have touched and spending most of the time in my bedroom with the windows open in the dead of winter because she was “over it” and couldn’t deal without having a social life. Yes, my case was an extreme one. All I’m saying to you is don’t let it get to this point.
They Lie
One lesson I need to keep on learning is if you know they are lying to others, they are most probably lying to you as well. Sometimes we forget this, since we think in the back of our heads, “well, she is telling me the truth, so I know that we are closer friends.” No, that is not the case—it means they are lying to you about some stuff too. There were times it got uncomfortable where she would ask me to lie to her flavor of the month about where she had been the night before. I don’t like lying so would keep my appearance scarce. But one of the times she did have one of her partners over, she casually lets slip out during conversation “Well I had covid”. I kept my composure but in my head thought WTAF. This was not a little lie—this was life endangering to me and everyone I were to come into contact to. Who does that???
TRUST YOUR GUT
In order to stay sane for the past year and a half, I had a lot of support from my true friends. I had to talk to people to make sure I wasn’t going crazy. All except one, supported me and told me to be the bigger person because I was the stronger one. Thank God for the others who ensured me I was not going crazy and reinforced my decision to move on and end the friendship. Remember your only responsibility is to yourself—we are all adults and it is not your responsibility to become someone’s caretaker or fix them. I did try at the beginning, but the problem is you can’t fix someone who thinks there is nothing to fix.
Length Doesn’t Matter
The hardest thing psychologically about the whole situation is that we had known each other for over 10 years. Something I never forgot because any time someone would meet me she would bring up, “We’ve been friends for over 10 years and yes, we are different and that’s why it work.”
The fact of the matter is, like age, length of friendships is just a number. And we need to go past the number and think about the quality of our friendships. We were friends for that long because we didn’t see each other a lot—we were more travel buddies than real friends. I started to think of those times we saw each other and realized we never talked about things that really mattered, and all she wanted to do was party. Most of those times we did see each other, she would get mad at me and throw a tantrum because I was “boring” because I wouldn’t stay out late and party with her till dawn. And the only times she would call me was because it was an emergency and needed to get away from a guy or a mess—usually the two were synonymous.
I have met people while living in Paris that I have not known for long — I consider these people my close friends and know we will be friends for life. So, if you find yourself in this situation, don’t think about the number, think about the quality.
This too shall pass
Ending a friendship or any relationship is a HARD thing. I get it. But in the long run, sometimes it is the best thing for you to do. I feel happier, lighter and more myself than I have ever been in A LONG TIME. It’s as a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders and the dark clouds have gone away (more serendipitous is that the sun just broke through the clouds as I typed this!). As we head into the new year, let’s all inhale the good shit and exhale the bullshit. Cheers!